How do you live in a perfect world?

My Xmas Stocking

2006-12-27T07:15:44Z

Xmas Stocking

leave a gift for espialdestinies

I stole this from Ann

2006-11-20T17:49:14Z

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

Isn't this sad? And most of these places I took myself to. Find me someone rich who loves to travel, quick!

32 Days

2006-11-15T04:06:50Z

Dad has now been in the hospital 32 days. He has been sleeping for the past 72 hours because they are changing his meds all around.... He is doing better. They're freaking out because they think we will sue them. Every other day he looks over at me as tells me that he wishes I would just let him die. If he doesn't get back on his feet they're going to have something much more serious then us suing them on their hands because I'm going to wig out. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted and my fuse keeps getting shorter and shorter. My mother snuck in the fact that she was going on vacation on the 27th of this month after I told her Mike had asked me to go to Thanksgiving with him and she said no. What fucking blows is that all of my important shit is due that next week and I really don't have the time or sanity to maintain everything here which includes dad AND London by myself. My mother really has impeccable timing as usual. We get into a bit of a scoff after she said it because I made the comment that I would love a vacation and she was like, you've had all kinds of them going camping. Are you fucking kidding me? CAMPING?! For One night?! So I just finished putting dad's c-pap back on and kissed him goodnight and got my shit and walked out of the room. She told me to wait so I walked to the elevator and waited forever and she finally came and I didn't talk. When we got downstairs I began making a beeline for my car and she wanted to smoke so I gave her a cigarette..... she asked what was wrong I said I didn't wish to talk about it... she pressed and I told her that I was frustrated.... she wanted to talk about and I said I didn't want to talk to her about it so she stomped a practically unsmoked cigarette and walked off and left me. What the fuck did she think I was frustrated about? Are you kidding? Why is it that I always gets fucked around finals time when everything is already stressful? As if it wasn't enough I get all of this so let's just push the fucking button a little harder.

I NEED A FUCKING VACATION

I will go on one when dad gets out of the hospital but I really can't leave here knowing that he is laid up and possibly not being taken care of. Every day I walk in and his dinner is piled up cold as ice where nobody bothered to help him feed himself because his hands shake so bad it looks like he's waving.Then he won't eat anyway. He hasn't eaten in 3 days. At least he's not sill having seizures.... I just don't know. The water level is getting higher and higher and I'm getting tired of treading.

espialdestinies @ 2006-10-30T00:42:00

2006-10-30T05:43:38Z

Why bother? That's what I asked. Why bother?

Obviously it didn't matter enough in the first place.

Don't believe him, he's full of shit.

He'll disappoint you.

I guarantee it.

I should have listened to the warnings the day I met him.

At least I gained a true friend through him. I owe him at least that.

But not really.

He'll preach of betrayl but he will be the #1 offender.

But he'll never admit he's wrong.

Never.

So sorry you've gotten wrapped up in it too.

It's about time

2006-10-25T18:12:26Z

I have written an essay about Audubon. It is very general and doesn't get specific about anything. I only talked about the first few months in any kind of detail. I glossed over the whole josh and mikey leaving and jessica coming... glossed over Justin and Mike being in Iraq or at the house... nothing too crazy. It had to be about me everyone else is just kinda... furniture. I did mention the drugs. I had been reserved in doing so and then I thought. I don't give a fuck. I would stand up and say I did it all in front of anyone who asked and I like the people in my class even though I don't think they've been quite as promiscuous with the things we hold dear. Whatever. It was a part of me. A pretty big part. I'm thinking about posting it and maybe my other essay about Chicago. We'll see. It may bore everyone... heh.

Dad is trying to pull it together but he's struggling.

I am so worn down.

Continue, Now

2006-10-18T18:17:13Z

I have a little while before my next class and I guess I can go and elaborate a little bit more on my last entry and provide some new information about what is going on in the ever-changing wheel of fortune my life apparently rest upon. I hadn't heard from Xris in a few days and was beginning to get very worried about him but he finally called yesterday to tell me he was still breathing so that's one less thing I have to worry about.

I admitted dad the other night (Thursday) because he finally just cracked. I don't want to go into much detail for obvious reasons but hopefully it will fix itself in due time.

I got all A's and one B on my midterm which is wonderful. I still enjoy being here for school and am beginning to make a few friends. One guy in particular who is in my advanced composition class holds my curiousity but I think he may be a little too political for me, at least a little too voluntaristic.

Josh is not going to Germany but instead to England. He wants me to go with him and I would love to go but he couldn't have done this at a more horrible time in my life. I can't leave dad, I can't leave my mother alone to run London. I can't leave the country because I'm not exactly sure how sane I am... and there is also the age old problem of money and not having enough of it. As he researches things more thoroughly he is realizing just how much this is going to cost him and I just shake my head. I will go when I can financially support it and not come home to be devestated by all the bills I will have to come home to.

I'm just wondering how I'm going to be able to keep my apartment and not have to move back in with my mother. A few people have volunteered but I don't know if I will be able to mesh even remotely as well with anyone else as I have with Josh. Joe's mommy doesn't want him to move out of her house, Danielle wants to run things her own way, and one other person who is determined to live with me I can't trust with money and they get on my goddamn nerves because they are the gossip queen of the fucking universe and are from a world completly seperate from my own. Another person is a good friend but I can't really trust them with money and who they will bring into my house. There is one person I have considered but they get on my nerves sometimes too, at least I know they would be responsible with money. I just don't know. I wish he wasn't leaving but I also know it's an awesome opportunity that I wouldn't pass up if it was offered to me.

I have kept up a steady drinking regimen for the past week or two and have grown quite comfortable with the process, the delicious burn, and the painful aftermath every morning as I struggle to stay awake on my drive to Richmond. At least I gave up the other evils which is good but not really because they didn't affect my body so terribly in comparision to the dreaful booze.

Such is life. Here's a song you've never heard.

In Spite of the Damage
-----------------------

If I wanted to say to you
That I wanted to see your face again
That I want to hear you laughing
In spite of all the damage I've done

If I wanted to hear you talkin'
Or to hear your sense of things
Or to call you up on a Sunday morning
In spite of all the damage I've done

Well I broke our home and left you nowhere to run
Yes I broke our home and left you nowhere to run

But I never knock my days away
I think you understand that I could not stay
But I like to hear you laughing
In spite of all the damage I've done
In spite of all the damage I've done

Well I broke our home and left you nowhere to run
Yes I broke our home and left you nowhere to run

By: The Be Good Tanyas....

espialdestinies @ 2006-10-05T22:29:00

2006-10-06T02:39:43Z

"Joyful Girl"

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
i do it just because i want to
because I want to

everything i do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong
but oh well
'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way?
no, well o.k. then
don't cry

and i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head
i know that there's no grand plan here
this is just the way it goes
and when everything else seems unclear
i guess at least i know

i do it for the joy it brings...
---------------------------------------------

Things are really fucked up right now for everyone I think. I found myself really fucked up drunk the other night and trying to get to sleep in my bed and I had only two things rolling through my head. The first one was that it was time to finally give in and go to a therapist because I am wading through other people's insanity and it's really bringing me down. The other thing was Rock The Casbah by the Clash. The thought pattern went like this: "I really need to go to a therapist and not let them all drive me insane rock the casbah. I wonder if I'll be able to find someone worth talking to that I feel comfortable with the shareef don't like it, rock the casbah. I think that whole thing right there proves that I need a therapist. Anyway.

My parents are breaking up finally and my dad is moving to London. My mother is *this* close to either losing it or being set free, I don't know.

I keep getting distracted so I'll write some more about this some other time.

Josh is moving to Germany in the spring for 3 months.

Whatever.

espialdestinies @ 2006-09-13T16:42:00

2006-09-13T21:10:48Z

I'm proud of myself for keeping this journal and updating it on a somewhat regular basis for almost 3 years now. February 17 will be the three year anniversary of this mess and it's the first time I've ever committed to keeping a record of all the madness and debauch in my life. I think the fact that other people can read it fuels me and I also think it's because I don't have to take the initiative to sit down and physically write it down... and that I can do it virtually anywhere. Yay for me.

There really isn't anything new happening. I'm trying to stay out of trouble but it tastes so good that I just keep going back for more. School is going well even though my poetry professor roasted us all on our first essay to "get us broken in and woken up" which I thought was fucking bullshit. He requires a one page essay. What the fuck? How can you say anything in one page.... that's tougher then 10. I got the second highest grade in the class but it's still unmentionable. I was disappointed. Whatever. It's so hard to struggle through poetry I hate from the sixteenth century, sonnets mostly, whatever. I learned a lot more about Shakespeare from it though and that blew me up.

I have written a six page essay about Jenna titled "Kitty Bangles." I was hoping my classmates would tear it apaprt but once again I am back to the whole nobody will touch the shit I've written bullshit that I had to deal with in poetry. I wrote three and a half pages to a girl about her essay... I outlined its strengths and its weakness and offered suggestions to fix it. Why the fuck can't they do the same. "I wouldn't change much of anything about this." "I have no clue what I'm doing and mine sucks but yours was awesome" Will I ever find fucking people that can write again who are a lot better then me and will tear my papers to shreads???? Maybe at UK.

I have been having the most horrible time trying to get all of the damn books for my psych class ordered. I waited and waited on something I paid $10.50 to have shipped express and after 14 days they finally sent me a letter and said it wasn't available. Are you fucking kidding me????? Now I'm having another sent and I somehow managed to forget to check the express shipping button and now I'm afraid I may have to wait a fucking eternity for it too. The professor let me copy the selection out of his book for Friday but that isn't going to happen too often... let me tell you though... the fucking copy machine is a force to be reckoned with. This bastard could do everything if you could ever figure out how the fuck to work it. Seriously. We had a time with it but when it was done it copied the whole double pages on the book instead of one at a time, stored that shit, and printed it on both sides of the paper and fucking stapled it for me when it was done. I have never been so overwhelmed in my life. I didn't know what to do with it because I was so dumbfounded at the epicness of this machine. I have made copies before but nothing could compare to this, I was almost turned on. All hail the fucking xerox. Seriously.

My parents are two of the most bad off people I've ever been around in my life. My dad has changed because he refuses to take his medicine correctly so now I have to be all nervous around him because he will bite your head off with no warning. That's going to make me moving to NC much easier if I decide to go that route. I never thought I would say that but I can't make him take his medicine and I can't deal with him being a violent and mean manic motherfucker. I've even tried to sneak his pills he hasn't been taking into the little holders but he takes them back out. I just can't do it anymore. I told him that I wasn't going to be able to come around him much anymore if he is going to continue to not take his meds and act the way he has been... he and my mother fight all the time... he talks incessently... I mean... for hours on end... my nerves can't handle it. I went over last night and he talked the whole time we were trying to eat, you couldn't even get a word in edge-wise. My mother and I both rushed outside so we could smoke cigarettes and calm down. This means MANIC. But he just isn't seeing it because one of the doctors at the nursing home convinced him that he didn't need to be on all the meds he was on. Fucking bastard... he has no clue what the fuck we have been through with my dad getting like this and ending up doing something fucking crazy.

I think this is a moral dilemma for me because I don't want him to be a zombie and be quiet all the time but I have gone the majority of my life with him being a quiet, calm individual and he has made this leap back to his "old self" and I don't know how to handle it because he isn't my dad. Mom says he is like he was when she married him and apparently she can't deal with it very well because she got used to him being calm and collected too. It's very nerve wrecking to try and deal with him and I told him that if he continues to be a jerk he won't see me. Ho, Hum.

I can't seem to ever get things caught up at home. I still have a load or two of laundry to do and my room is still a bit wrecked. I need to get some shit to help me organize things but I just hate to spend money on that shit because it's so expensive. Ikea had a bunch of cool shit for WAY cheap when I went to the one in Illinois but I didn't buy it and now I regret it because I have a lot of shit and nowhere to put it all. I wish I had a room the size of the one at my parent's house.... so much nicer then the tiny one I have now. I need room to spread out and be comfy and have room to keep things uncluttered but that just isn't happening. I kinda want to live by myself sometime. Things are good with Josh as far as I know, but it would be really nice to not have to worry about pissing anyone off when I have people over or if I don't feel like washing a plate right then and there. He doesn't say anything about it but I know it bothers him. Me having to go to London really cuts down on the time I have to spend at home and get things straight and keep them straight because those are my days off school... when I am at home I like to have people over because I don't get to see them very much and I miss them and it's nice to have people around most every night but I don't get anything accomplished when it happens. Oh well.. whatever... maybe one day it will all fall into place.

I poke-dotted our bathroom with placemats to match the shower curtain. It looks wonderful and I regret not buying more of them in Chicago but whatever... I am having a problem keeping them up with what I used so I guess I'm going to have to find something else... the search is on... cause these things were a fabulous idea.... just need more of them... I really wish I could paint the walls too... that would put a whole other spin on things... one day...

Progress

2006-09-06T20:09:50Z

I feel as though a lot of progress has been made. I had a really rough time dealing with some of the people on my dad's side of the family during the annual hog roast but I got through it and feel good that I didn't lie to them just so they'd be satisfied about who I was. I don't come around often and there is inevitably one or two people who will give me thiry kinds of hell for not coming around and what I'm doing with my life which dad has more then likely bitched about and displayed his disappointment the last times he saw them without me. One of my aunts really railed me the night before the roast and for a while the next day too and I'm not sure why she felt it was so important. Maybe she was feeling especially Christian this weekend and needed to reach out to my tainted soul or maybe she was just trying to get to know me a little better since I only come around them every few years. I finally realized that although the better part of my dad's side of the family (excluding his brothers and sisters) are Catholic, but instead of being traditional Catholic Democrats they are fucking Catholic Republicans completly wigging out. When my uncle Lewis and I started dogging Bush at the table she jumped up and yelled at us and said "that's right, just kick him while he's down.." and I just casually murmered that he was never up.... it's the truth.

I had to read approx 100 pages for this damn mythology class over the holiday and while I was sitting around drinking iced tea and listening to my cousin's suprisingly good rock band play (yes, we have a fucking stage and electricity and a shelter out in the woods for our get-togethers) I was reading all of this shit and the same aunt (technically great aunt) was like.... so are you going to defend God when someone stands up in class and says Christianity is a myth. I couldn't tell her that surprisingly (it really freaked me out when she asked it) I had spoken up in class last Wednesday and said that the person we were watching the video about was making allusions to the fact that Christianity is in fact a myth of modern day and may very well pass over in the ages to come and that I agree with his theory. I did not tell her that it was in fact me that was the one challenging someone to prove me wrong because nobody did, the professor tried to but the girl with purple hair that ALWAYS sits right behind me in a huge auditorium with 3/4 of the chairs empty spoke out in my defense with her agreement that he was definetly flirting with this idea. I did not tell her this, I just skirted around the subject by telling her that the professor wanted to provoke arguments and get things riled up so that subject may very well come about but I wasn't sure what I would say. When she kept pressing I told her that I was no longer going to speak about the manner because I didn't want to ruin my day. She hugged me and told me that she would pray for me to get saved so I could go to Heaven with all of them. Are you fucking kidding me? I spent the whole day trying not to punch people in the face for saying the word "nigger" and talking about "faggots" and "jews" and shit like that. If heaven is made up of people like this and I get sent to hell, then I will consider it a fucking favor.

All of that aside, I am doing well. I worry a little about Josh and what the hell is going on in his head and what exactly I should do about it but I'm letting it go. I'm tired of pressuring people to speak their mind about things or talk to someone if they need to talk to someone. If you have shit on your mind you need to share, fucking share it and don't make everyone else suffer. I know one other particular case which was MUCH MUCH worse then this one and I no longer wish to be around that person because it was such a fucking strain and task just to be in their presence because they were always ready to tear you down with them. Fuck that. I pretty much took care of the store this weekend too. It's strange for Darlene and Kat, people I have known for about 18 years to look at me like I am their boss, but they do. They call me to trouble-shoot things and ask me how to do things and what I think about things even outside of work and into their personal lives. I don't know how to react to this because I still feel like the child in that particular setting but I guess I'm really not. I've learned so much about owning a business since I've been down there helping mom and all I can say to all of you who are so convinced that owning a business is your destiny and that it would be so wonderful, think again. Work for someone else and let them worry about it. It isn't worth the headache.

School is going really well and moving alnog smoothly. Like I said a few entries ago, EKU is really great and all of the things people complain about here I laugh at because they have no clue how much worse it is at other places.

I want to thank all of you who remembered my birthday, it really meant a lot. Those of you who didn't bother, well poo on you, don't expect anything when your holiday rolls around.

I think that's about it for now, in other words, I'm tired of typing so screw it.

On the subject of Drama Queens

2006-08-30T17:11:59Z

I smell drama queens everywhere. You know who you are. When you realize your mistake, don't call me and ask for forgiveness or favors. How immature. It is, however, notably YOUR loss. shame. shame. The real crux is that YOU are the Christian here. So much for that eh?

EKU

2006-08-21T18:15:42Z

I'm going to EKU this semester. I wish their degrees stood out as much as UK's do because fuck UK and all their monopolistic bullshit kiss my ass bitches. I'm strongly considering transferring down here simply because the people here are so nice and have gone COMPLETLY out of their way to get me the classes I needed even though I got admitted on Thursday and classes started today. UK people would have laughed me out of their office. My advisor literally ran down the hallway with me to get the secretary to override a class for me today. I was like... this is incredible. I think I'm going to try and get involved in some pride shit around here and meet some gay people because, well, I grow more intollerable of straight people every day. No offense. My mother was being a bitch earlier because I'm only taking 12 hours but she can't seem to wrap her mind around the fact that I was REALLY lucky to get to a fulltime status after being admitted so damn late. She's like... you better fucking get done in a year which is pretty much impossible but I'm not telling her that. She wants to retire early and in order to do that she has like a year before she has to save every penny she can but whatever... I'll take out fucking loans and pay them off for the rest of my life because she isn't fucking my college up. Fuck that. I have to get my master's and she can't seem to wrap her mind and shitty attitude around that either but whatever. Maybe I can do a little dance, write something epic, kiss some as and get to be a TA somewhere and have them pay for my college. I need to publish some shit and find some people to know. I've always had HIGH friends in LOW places... now I need some HIGH friends in HIGH place. mwahaha. If anyone knows anyone that fits that bill, send me to them. I will do anything I have to in order to get through school.

Other then the incredibly stressful week I had last week I haven't been up to much. I went out with some of my friends on Saturday night but I had been up since 5 that morning with about 3 hours of sleep and pooped out and went home and kinda put the evening to a WAY too early end. I apologize everyone... I'll pull it together eventually. My birthday is tomorrow and I got my one wish and that was to get into school after UK waited until the last minute to tell me I didn't turn in the right paperwork and that I was out of luck. FUck that. Joe's mother is doing a dinner for me tomorrow night which is probably the single most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for my birthday in a very long time. I ditched my mother today after she was a cunt to me and told her that someone was thoughtful enough to take time out of their life and do something really nice for me and that I'd catch her on the flip side and not to worry about my birthday. She'd just throw it all in my face anyway. She hadn't mentioned it at all until today... and I'd say it was only because dad reminded her that my birthday was tomorrow... cause he asked what she got me and was surprised to find out she hadn't even mentioned my day at all yet. Whatever. I have my friends and that's what matters and they never forget my freakin birthday, ever. Thanks ya'll. That's the shit.

Been a while

2006-08-14T18:38:35Z

Haven't bothered to post for a while because I'm lazy I guess. Summer is coming to a close, I'm wigging out about whether or not I'm in school or not because I definetly don't have a schedule or anything important like that. I'm not going to get into that right now though because it makes me a nervous wreck. Anyway. Things are just as screwed up as they always are. I'm tired of picking up everyone elses pieces when I can't even figure out where my pieces went. My dad is not taking his medication properly because he is an asshole this week so I have to worry about him flipping his lid and doing some crazy shit and my mother is as shady as ever if not even more so. I'm getting tired of this. As a matter of fact I'm about to just leave their damn house right now because I'm sick of ALWAYS HAVING TO FIX FUCKING CRAZY. I'm sick of it. I had to leave all the other crazy in my life just to deal with their crazy and I'm sick of fucking CRAZY GODDAMN PEOPLE. I had to weed through people and pick out the crazy ones and try to not be all up in their fucking Kool-Aid because I DID know the fucking flavor and couldn't handle the taste. Fucking christ I am about the sign myself in. I am thankful that I have woken up and not continued on with being a psych major because that would have been a really goddamn bad situation. Is it too much to ask for people to take their fucking medication or for people to go find some fucking medication to get on so that they don't fuck other people's life up? I just want to finish school and I am almost there. At least this phase of school. I almost have my english degree... then I need my master's and then I need to find some fucking peace, write a book, and get my fucking PhD... then write another goddamn book and go talk to fucking Oprah so she can promote my story and put me at the top of the bestseller list for 6 months in a row goddamnit I fucking deserve it.

Anyway.

Josh and I went to Chicago a week or two ago and had a great adventure. Went to some great bars, ate the best pizza in the world, missed a few trains, found an unmentionable present on the ground, met some awesome people, felt gay and wasn't worried about feeling gay, spent way too much money, got some cute clothes, marveled in the convenience and leisure of good public transportation, burned completly the fuck up, like 100 degrees burnt the fuck up, had no air in the car and loved every minute of it.

That's all I feel like talking about now.

espialdestinies @ 2006-07-09T02:34:00

2006-07-09T06:41:52Z

If something strange happened between friends well over a year ago and one of them was still talking trash and making things up about the other person wouldn't that prove that things didn't go down the way that particular person says they did?

Would it get a little creepy that the person that claims to be victim can't let it go while the other one is a million miles away from that person and the whole scenario?

Would it perhaps be that the person is fucking cRaZy and maybe obsessed?

Maybe they sit and read the letter and feel flattered because someone may have cared about them one time in their life and they managed to fuck it up?

Why can't people just tell the truth about things instead of lying because they have been THAT fucking uncool their whole lives that they have to manipulate things to make themselves look good?

What a fucking sociopathic bipolar highschool crazy ass broad. If I was a different person I would find her and beat her ass. Unfortuantly I'm better then that... let's just hope we don't run into eachother when I'm drunk.

Why is it that she runs into friends of mine and instead of saying hey she immediatly asks about me and what I'm doing and then goes into a tirade about all the fucked up things I did to her that all of these people know aren't true because THEY WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME! What the fuck? Is it fucked up to ask for someone to clarify the situation you're in because nobody knows what the fuck is going on and everyone is assuming something different? Excuse me for being confused.

Why am I letting this affect me?

Maybe because it KEEPS coming up?

For those of you that know her, tell her to leave me the fuck alone and forget I ever existed because she has overstepped her bounds and taken things too far.

Slander.

Searching for a house

2006-06-29T08:08:10Z

So things have been going. Dad is still in the hospital but hopefully not for much longer, he is getting better but getting very grumpy and sick of being there but who could blame him. I took a much needed little retreat this past weekend. Worked in London Friday night and Saturday morning then drove up to Berea for the first night of a 3 day helluva late weekend. We got almost a $100 in booze on top of other party favours and took them to Berea and partied our asses completly off all night swimming, playing pool etc. We being me, Josh, Joe, Krystal, Danielle, Josh's Brother, our new pal Patrick... think that's all.... had a fucking awesome time... woke up the next day and went down to the lake.... got there to set up our FABULOUS new tent that is HUGE (YAYAYAY) in the pouring ass rain but it was still fun. Got the tent dried out inside and hit the boat for a while to swim and relax before Joe and Jason made it back from Lexington since they had to go back and work and proceeded to get completly fucked while camping... Joe's brother Jason brought along some excellent steak and burgers and cooked it all up for us... we got annihilated drunk amongst other things and ended the night giggling our asses off in the tent... (Joe and Jason were in their own tent which worked out great since they both ended up ill ass hell).

Next day we woke up and most everyone felt like complete shit and it was terribly overcast so we went to the boat for a little while (JOe puking his guts up off the dock) and messed around for a while, did some fishing.... then headed back to Berea for the party we invited a few people to. The crowd stayed small because we wanted it that way with a few chill people that included, me, Josh, Joe, Danielle, Krystal, Nick, Brandon, and John with a guest apperance from Larry, Josh's brother cause he knows we have good parties there..... I think that was all who came down if I remember correctly.... heh... Most of us thought it was good at least cause there was no drama, things were chill, and there was plenty of booze... we all got fucked up drunk again... there was dancing on the pool table amongst other silliness after some people left.... we all had a much deserved weekend that I can't wait to come again.

Next time camping will be a little more organized because none of us seemed to be able to get ourselves prepared... the only thing we forgot that it would have been really nice to have was silverware but our hands worked fine... I didn't get sunburned and no bug bites thanks to the half can of OFF I used on myself...haha... I had such a wonderful time.... thanks..... Besides the new tent (8 person Coleman Weathertec) and airmattresses we bought, Jason gave us a little mini grill for the boat and the campsite which was awesome of him.... I'm just beside myself with the new toys and possibility of good times ahead.

Came home and saw dad today and told him about all the fun times including the drunkeness of some who were attending and he laughed his ass off just as I hoped he would....

Some really exciting news..... I am now looking for a home of my own!!!!! My mother has given me the go-ahead and Josh and I have started scouring the city looking for an affordable 3 bedroom ranchish style house with a fabulous backyard and electric heat. If anyone runs across anything that fits this bill drop me a line or call me because looking is going to start getting on my nerves really soon.... I really can't wait though... I see the screened in porch... garden.... painted walls.... fixing it up... all taking place and it makes me want to run out and watch HGTV.... not that I don't already watch it at every place with cable I can. Anyway..... enough of this mess.... I have had a great few days and can't wait for our next camping excursion.

espialdestinies @ 2006-06-17T02:49:00

2006-06-17T07:02:21Z

So this is what is going on.....

I started the week out with Krystal's birthday... watched her get a fucking huge tattoo on her back and felt like puking for her because I know it was the most painful thing ever. She has even said that may be her last tattoo which is amazing considering she has mad spells when it's time to get another. She made it through and I commend her. We grabbed a bite to eat in Nicholasville but felt too guilty to smoke inside because there were children there, aren't we nice people?

I have been on this cooking kick mostly because I need healthy food that isn't from a restaurant of any kind and nobody else is gonna cook it for me. I feel distanced with my mother and part of me thinks she is prolonging dad's hospital stay because she likes not having him there, but you didn't hear that from me. I can understand why she feels that way but I wish it wasn't. I really wanted to sit down and have dinner with her today but she killed herself flying down the hall to get away from me while jabbering away on the phone so I said whatever and stayed at the hospital. When I left I called her and talked to her all of 30 seconds before she said... right in the middle of me talking... have to go another call bye and smacks the phone down. I am glad we have such a loving relationship.We are going to have to move dad from Cardinal Hill to a nursing facility until he can get a new walking cast becuase he is unable to bare any weight on the one he is currently wearing and we can't take care of him if he can't even stand up. It is slowly eating me up inside to see him stuck in the hospital and I want to take on the challange of caring for him but it really isn't feasible just yet. How is life going to pan out? I don't want him put in a facility where someone will fuck with him, be cruel to him, abuse him or anything like that because I would end up in jail for what I did to the person who did any of those things to him. We're moving him to Georgetown I think because the only places here in Lex that have beds open are horrible places and that will not work. He's only going to stay for a little while so hopefully it will all be ok. If it won't, then you will see about it on the news. NOt even kidding.

My friends David and Courtney came in from Wisconsin on their way to Bonnaroo and spent the night the other night and I think they're coming back after the festival. I was so wonderful to see the two of them I wasn't sure what to do with myself. They brought this brilliant bear as well and we all sat and smoked and had a nice little time although we went to bed pretty early so they could get up which is why we didn't call and invite anyone over. I have a good feeling that I will drop in or they will drop in whevever we all may be for a long time to come and it is wonderful to see them. Great people.

There are a few other things but I'm getting really tired so I'll pull it closed... night

A little drunk

2006-06-11T09:05:24Z

Yes, I am a little drunk at five in the morning. It is a lot better then being a many of things I have been at five in the morning. Perhaps you have even paid witness. I had a very good night tonight. I didn't plan on it being a good night or one out of the ordinary but it turned out as a very good night and that makes me happy. I had Liz, Krystal, Tadd, Joe, and Danielle over and we had an exquisite "cook out" of delicious rib-eye, salad with a mix of fresh greens and baby spinich and other things, fresh corn on the cob and mad and cheese because we had a few who insisted on being unhealthy. The night was light and full of delicious food and the best comment of the night was, "man, I fogot how good 'cook-outs' are with you" I felt very pleased with it all, the crowd was good and we all ae better then we generally ever do. The whole ordeal was completly unplanned and spur of the moment and even though it took place late it turned out wonderful. I thank all of you.

Krystal has cut all of her hair off and I have to admit, it looks wonderful.kudos to you my girl.

I must admit one more time that I am a little sauced, the number of times I have hit backspace would indicate that if you could only see.

I have been going over and spending three to six hours with dad when I can and he is getting a great deal better. I am very proud of him. He did, however, drop a bomb on me tonight. He says... I have decided what my new hobby will be now that Pierre is dead.... and I said... what is that... he replies... you are going to have me a grandson and I'm going to take care of him and take him to tee-ball practice. This broke my heart into a million little pieces because I honestly have no intentions of having children and if I do fuck up and have them it won't be for a very long time. i wasn't sure what to say and told him the truth... not to hold his breath. I feel that he has reached the point in his life that he should be bouncing babies on his knee and spoiling them and I am not going to be able to facilitate that for him because it isn't what I desire. Whew, head spinning.

tomorrow there are a lot of things going on... like the Pride Picnic and I don't know if i can gather my drunked self enough to attend. We shall certainly see.

My family continues to unravel in the most ungraceful of ways and I have resolved to sit back and smoke while watching it all fall apart. I am suppoed to quit smoking but I don't know if I can just yet. i am getting too..... yes... well... I'll continue this later.

espialdestinies @ 2006-06-02T11:56:00

2006-06-02T15:56:52Z

So, let's start from the beginning... I have more time then I thought before I have to leave for London which is very unusual. I went to London last weekend and my aunt from Colorado showed up. Probably to either a) surprise my granny for her birthday and see if she was fucked up b) do something shady with my grandmother in order to undermine my grandfather and mother. I'm also considering an option c) which is a combination of both. I'm so sick of this kind of shit. There is no working together and laying it all out on the table. Everyone has favorites and secrets that they won't deal with and share so we can help so things just spin more and more out of control and further from the reality of success. This is true in many different faucets of life.

Despite the overhang of shadiness and secrecy my aunt and I had a very good time together and told eachother a lot of little girly secrets which was fun. My grandmother tried to be as calm as she could. She even slept. I worked too much though.

On Monday I went down to the lake with Josh, Joe, and Danielle and had a blast except for that little 30 or so minutes of mass paranoia we all suffered due to activities but it washed over and we had a brilliant time. I was laying around on the boat reading Jack Kerouac's "On The Road" and suffering a great epiphany for a few minutes due to the writing. That book is meant to be read in an altered state because I'm tellin ya... I was right there with him, and it blew me the fuck up. I read it out loud to them but they were all too sober or too gone to appreciate it fully. It still did wonders for me and that is what counts. I managed to get a sunburn on my back because I didn't bother to get anyone to rub lotion on me and it has blistered and gotten disgusting over the course of a week, can't stand a bra and don't give a fuck. I was leaving the hospital yesterday and plopped into my car and sat right back against that hot leather and proceeded to SCREAM at the top of my lungs because I forgot about the burn. It reminded me that it was still there and very tender.

On to Tuesday..... mom called me Tuesday evening and told me that dad was sick but that she needed to sleep for work and needed me to come look after him. I did. He got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and he fell down. He was too weak to help himself get up and mom and I couldn't lift him.... later, after we call an ambulance we find out that his sugar dropped to 37 which is pushing blackout/coma level... which would be why he was so weak. We took him in and they started talking about ventilator like the last time and dad told both me and mom that we would burn in hell if we put him on the vent. Since my rents are legally divorced, the decision if he goes is on my shoulders. Fuck that. So I spent all night Tuesday and all day wednesday with no sleep. I forgot to mention that I had 8 tubes of blood drawn at about 8 Tuesday morning... so that was a bad day... and a weak and sleepy day and then all this happened.

So, dad is still in the hospital, still in the ICU, but he is doing a bit better then he was. His blood gasses are becomming more stable which was what was going to land him on the vent.... he is now back to the little nose thingy for oxygen that he usually uses and off the bipap for most of the time.... just taking regular old oxygen. He was in good spirits yesterday and ate very well. He kicked me and mom out because he wanted to sleep and he felt guilty for sleeping while we were there for whatever reason. He fails to think that maybe we're there even more for our own confort then his. I have to go to London very soon but I'm putting it off as long as possible. I have warned everyone that when I get there things will run very smooth and peacefully or they will have hell to pay. My nerves have been split way too much this week to put up with the uneducated ignortant bullshit they dish out down there and I'm sick of it. Things have got to change and I need to find a way to change them.

I can see the light.

2006-05-19T04:20:46Z

The week has finally almost came to an end. I am fucking tired as hell. I have worked since last Friday non-stop and I didn't bring my tennis shoes so I've been wearing moccasins all week long so my back is *out*. I had to go shopping for the store at Wal-Mart today and drug two carts around with me because nobody will help a bitch around here. The one really cool thing that happened is that dad drove all the way down here to take me out to lunch. When we finished I asked him to drive me to Wal-Mart because I couldn't fit all the stuff in my car (he isn't able to walk around and help me inside) but instead he handed me his truck keys and let me drive it. Holy shit. hehehe. I haven't driven that thing since I ran it in a ditch when I was 15 with Krystal and he turned me loose with no permit, a tank of gas, and heavy metal in the middle of nowhere. What a great dad. He didn't even get mad. For the record, I only pulled the tire off the front rim... no other damage. So I drove that thing and was a nervous wreck the whole time because I was paranoid someone would hit me. I made it here safely. Did I mention he drove an hour and a half to take me to lunch. I don't know anyone else in the world that would do that for me.

Last night people kept coming into the store even though it was closing time which got very frustrating. After I got them all out of the store I sat down and started crying my eyes out. It was a sad sight, luckily nobody was around. Then it kept getting worse and my granny walked out and was like.. "what's wrong" and I'm like... I'm sick of my family being all fucked up and I'm sick of everyone being shady to eachother and I'm sick of the screaming and yelling and threats. She looked me straight in the eye and told me it wasn't her fault. Are you FUCKING kidding me? Fuck this family. Then my papa was like, it isn't mine either.... and I was like... It's everyone's fault. Both of you and the rest of us are responsible. But fuck everyone... so I told them I wasn't staying there anymore and got my shit and left. I was on the verge of calling her out but I just couldn't do it... I knew it wouldn't help. I am a very tired and worn down individual and if anyone puts some drama on me when I get home... yea... I stayed with my cousins and talked to them for most of the night which was very therapeutic even though they are bad off messes, they understand and know all about what goes on here.

I can hear my wind chimes. I can hear the gurgling of goodness. I can taste decent cooked food. I can hear no yelling, no customers, no cash registers, no bitching, no lying. I can see my trashed bedroom that needs cleaned. The kitties. The people I care about. I can't wait. I feel like I've been gone for years. I'm getting paid shit for it too.

On a good note, David and them are coming down soon... he just left me a message. Apparently the week of Krystal's birthday is the week EVERYTHING is going down. It will be good times. I informed mom that I would not be available to work then either. There is a good chance that if I have to work saturday that I will refuse to come down here next weekend too. Fuck this pit.

*clicks her heels* There's no place like home.

espialdestinies @ 2006-05-13T00:53:00

2006-05-13T05:21:15Z

She has about 5 packs of cigarettes strategically placed between this room and the stock room. Power in numbers, memory. There is a path of candy and wrappers between the two points as well. Snickers. Zingers. Zero. PayDay. Starlight Mints. Keebler Elves. Zagnut. Energy. Addiction. Anything. For once it is cool in here and I may be able to sleep somewhat peacefully for a day that will inevitably turn into a week.

Go into town and buy myself some new clothes because I didn't bring enough and it's an excuse to shop. Shopping for some is like cutting... the money leaving your hand feels like blood slowly draining. Delicious. Addiction. Make more and more so more and more can be spent. Gushing wound, at least it will be cut the "right way."

Brilliance in a novel, fiction, that reads more like a memory and possibly is. Such wonderful lies and truth in fiction, cleaning the truth up so that it sells well and wounds heal because the story can pan out the way it should have. The tips of my fingers are very cold. Fine with me.

I'm supposed to do something and I'm not sure if that is the best idea because I don't really want to ... I don't think. So much more could be accomplished with all that money instead of wasting it on a ..... which I no longer enjoy anyway. Nothing to do. Going to paradise on a budget is never fun. How do I get out of a commitment that I never made but that was made for me without ruining her dream?

Another one is in need of excessive therapy. She finally admitted it. I encouraged meditation and told her I would teach her. Teach her how to breathe. Advise her how to quit thinking. An abomination, but more then necessary. Told her that I may be a P*T Head and a great many things, perhaps a hippie on occasion... but I finally stopped insanity and I could show her the way. Hail La Boheme

I don't mind not answering phone calls. I dread people being mad about it. I shouldn't have to be at the world's beck and call when I don't want to be. If it's that important you know where I live. Make sure you should be there before intruding. Why do you feel that your call should always be a priority on my list. I don't care if you answer mine or not. That is the truth. It's not that I don't miss you, sometimes I just want to be involved in me and leave it like that. It's like having not one lover but 25 that you must juggle but yet, there is no getting laid. What's the point in that? Try it one time but don't blow it up, that will just prolong the silence even longer. Logical?

I don't like people playing with other people's emotions. There are two completly seperate incidents that I see this going on but I remain very carefully silent because even though we are all grown, people still act like they're 12 when something serious is divulged. Why is this? Why is it that people do not see what goes on and question it? How could you claim such clandestine strength and then ignore it when it's time to flex your muscles? I am so sorry that it will all blow up eventually.

I like the way that people can be replaced. You have a dream and it has certain positions that must remain filled in order for it to continue to move forward. Each person filling it can be replaced as long as they still fit the personality profile criteria. I have seen this too much. How could your life continue on in a constant state of repitition with different faces? Do you really need that much familiarity for security? Codependence? Convince them they are the only one and that it's never been this epic? It's the same house with different walls, same situation, same emotions, same gazes, same habits, same traditions transferred through (how many people now?) in order to keep you comfortable in your codependence? No wonder he left, too bad she left too. It will constantly reconstruct itself around you because you conduct the orchestra... what happens when people finally pick up on the pattern? Sociopathic.

This was a very strange entry, pseudo stream of conscience. I apologize. Not really.

All Done

2006-05-10T17:42:30Z

Well, I finished and the verdict's in. I made it through calculas with a C... I got an A in everything else... so my gpa is now only 3.556 but I'll take it. I worked my ass off all weekend in London which sucks but whatever... there was drama for a little while and then a lot of bitching but I just smoked cigarettes and rolled my eyes. Then I got home and went to Mia's on Monday to celebrate John's 22 (haha) birthday with everyone which was fun... came home and Josh was anihiliated fucked up and in the bathroom where he passed out... we tried forever to get him out of there but he would scream like a little girl and refuse to get up or start throwing punches which was fucking hilarious... we ended up leaving him there but I think he eventually got up and crawled to bed. Good times. I went and spent the day with dad yesterday and hung with mom for a little while and then came home... I've got to spend a lot of time with Josh and Joe for the past week which has been awesome because toward the end of the semester we were all so busy we never got to see eachother.

Things are going well currently. I got to see Willow the other day too which I hadn't gotten to do for several weeks, probably the longest in years. That was nice.

John and I went out looking for apartments and found this fabulous townhome with a wall of windows in the back in a perfectly secluded area of town off Wilson Downing... I was very excited... I think they may get it... I'll live vicariously through them in their fab new apartment.

espialdestinies @ 2006-04-30T14:56:00

2006-04-30T18:55:48Z

Well, I have had a fun weekend and it wasn't nearly as productive as it should have been. I'm a few pages into my takehome final and stopped to decorate. That is bad off. I have had the most fabulous looking dustboard for a few months though because I keep collecting more artwork for my walls and end up sitting it in the floor because I'm too busy/lazy to hang it up. I have gotten all but one piece hung up but I'm not sure where to put it. I have a couple works if progress as far as walls go because I haven't had the chance to get all of my stuff from my parents or go shopping, it will all come in time. What will really suck is if I get this place all decorated up and then we move... our lease is technically up in August because Josh thought he was going to move to Vanderbilt and go to school but that all changed (thankfully) so I'm not sure what we're going to do... we haven't even talked about it.

I went over to Jeff's house on Friday to have the little soiree for Sean moving to North Carolina which I don't think he is going anymore or something... not sure... it was an excuse to party so we did. Had a great time, thanks for having me guys. I was going to go last night but I decided I really needed to be studying so the final exam studies have commenced. I'm ready for them to be over but I'm not ready to have to endure them. I'm sure it'll be fine.

I got very pissed off at a friend of mine the other night. It just goes to show that the two particular people in question can't be trusted in any way shape or form anymore. I don't like people lying to me and I don't like people doing ridiculus things in my home when they know it isn't appropriate. I'm tired of asking them to RESPECT me especially when I allow them into my home and neither of them seem to give a fuck about me enough to do that so... we'll see how much more I will take. Probably not any and that is a shame. I have never blatently disrespected and gone against someone's wishes as much as the two of them have done those things to me, EVER. Somehow they both seem to think I should be ok with it.

I am not, let that be understood.

espialdestinies @ 2006-04-27T20:25:00

2006-04-28T00:48:16Z

So I haven't posted in a while... nothing particularly interesting to say but I'll say it anyway...

I filled out my graduation papers today and am going to turn them in sometime before the due date so that's nice... my mother and I are talking about buying houses since I am in a good roomie situation at the moment and don't think it's going to change which is a huge relief and joy... we'll see how that pans out because she has talked about it for years now and I'm not trying to get my hopes up any time soon.
I'm not going to London this weekend because I need to study for my finals... the down side to that is no extra money and no free tank of gas.... so it's costing me money, but I need the time.

I got a huge and welcomed surprise today from my WS teacher who gave us a take-home final which she surpised us with and that took stress off because the only tuesday final I will have will be calculas and I need all the peace and time to study for that I can get. Thursday will finish the finals off with anthropology and journalism which could be a pain in the ass too since Jou is a fucking essay final which she is moving us into a computer lab to take because "writing it all out would be too time consuming and messy" which tells me she is going to lay it on us. I'll make it.

I want to go out and hang with people tonight but I don't want to leave my house... hehe... and I don't want to waste gas driving all the way across town because nobody really lives anywhere near me except Justin and I dunno what he's up to.

There are several different serioiusly dramatical situations people have sprung on me this past week and all I can say is that I'm glad that they aren't mine. Someone is heartbroken, someone is pregnant, someone is going insane, someone is losing all of their shit... I feel sorry for them all and am thankful their dinner is not mine.... I'd rather starve...

My WS professor who is also mainly an english professor told me today that I would be a brilliant english professor so she blew my head and my confidence right up for about an hour in her office... only time will tell. She told me not to go to grad school at UK because nobody would take me seriously because I'm a female amongst other things... I hope I can take her advice and not go to grad school at UK but I'll need a financial offer from somewhere else before I could even consider.... oh well, we'll see. She suggested Chapel Hill but I laughed on the inside because I don't see myself getting in there and have no clue how I would afford it if I did.

Hungover

2006-04-17T16:26:30Z

I had a fabulous time on Friday with John at Keeneland... he won a surprising $350 on a $2 bet and of I didn't of course cause I was too concerned with my cocktails and getting them. Haha. So we had a great time, stopped at Bella Note for dinner which was fucking supurb and then rushed home to get ready for the Maker's Mark Gala ... we were joined by Jeff which was quite the treat... we showed up and the line was quite literally a mile long wrapping around a sidewalk and way back into the Rupp parking lot but it moving amazingly fast and we got in, got our cocktails, fabulous Maker's Mark glasses, and got down... I got obliterated drunk of course but kept it together... then again everyone there was drunk out of their minds... it was iteresting spending my day amongst a pretty good amount of insanely rich people, too bad they won't give me a loan. We got back to my house and had some company.. I drank more and talked to my neighbor for ages like an idiot but she just laughed so it's all good... anyway, I had a really great night and want to thank John and Jeff both for it.

After all that fun I had to go London and work but it was all good. Nothin to insane happened and I got a decent amount of sleep. I was VERY badly hung over on Saturday trying to work which sucked but I deserved it... hehe... mom is still in Florida and seems to be having a good time so I'm happy... now I have to catch up on all this school work and go get my damn nails done cause I missed out doing it before Keeneland... so... yep

Doodle Do

2006-04-12T05:01:23Z

I'm currently sitting here watching War of the Worlds with some company and chilling. I have one of these patches on my back so it doesn't hurt and that is epic.... thanks Adam Muffin. I'm getting stressed out... this is my schedule as follows.... Thursday I have a calculas test that I am completly wigging out about... then on Tuesday I have a test in women's studies, a huge annotated bib due in anthropology which I only have 1/3 of done, and a big ass journalism project of which I have nothing done on. Then there is a bunch of other tests and one more project for WS I have to do in the next week or so. I am stressing out. I hate having to go to London on my days off because I could really get a lot done if I just had one of my weekends back.... like this one.

Aside from all that, I am well.

I got online and found a plane ticket so my mother could go on vacation Thursday for her birthday with the lesbians. Ultimate power mom.

I really started missing Josh the other day and wanted to hang out with him. I haven't hung out with Josh alone in a really long time and would like to be able to do it one day. We sat down and talked about our summer schedules for camping and decided that we would probably meet up at the boat on Sundays after I get off work in London and camp and go boating on Sundays and Mondays, possibly more days if the schedules permit. I'm really fucking excited about it, we're in search of a really good tent because I can't deal with a leaky bastard.... I went on a shopping spree yesterday and bought a bunch of clothes and a new digital camera... going to start working on a photo installation of my friends... found several perfect shadowboxes to put them in, I'm excited. I think I'm going to do the black and white thing with their eyes left in colour... just have to figure out how to personify the color of those of you with dark eyes... we'll see as it unfolds... perhaps the shadow boxes will get torn part so poetry can be added. We shall see.... ideas flowing like water....

I'm going to Keeneland on Friday with John for the Maker's Mark thing.... then we're going to the party afterword to enjoy $2 Maker's Mark cocktails... I will be very very fucked up drunk, just wait... I'll have to look nice and act proper but I don't think I'll have a problem... anyway... that about sums it up, actually, I want a cigarette and I'm tired of typing.

espialdestinies @ 2006-04-06T20:45:00

2006-04-07T00:57:09Z

Nothing too interesting happened today.

Except.

This girl who looks about 18 in my journalism class is actually like 30 something with a husband and kid... we're having this epic talk on flag burning and the First Amendment and all that jazz and she compares her belief that flag burning "is just something you don't do" with the fact that she is Christian and that you shouldn't marry interracially. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??????????? There is one really cool black dude in there and my fucking teacher is a black woman. Everyone gaped in disbelief that she just said that and then she said something along the lines that what she said wasn't racist. HELLLLLOOOO AMERICA.. saying that you don't believe in marrying certain people because of the colour of their skin couldn't be more racist. I am constantly in awe of the things that occur around me every day and try to bite my tongue......

IS burning the flag wrong?
Would you do it?
Would you have a problem if I did it?
Would you have a problem if someone in another country did it?

The poor kids are trying to wear Versace because it's the cool thing and the rich kids are trying to look like hippies and go to music festivals. That's why our generation is so fucked up.

Tacos are brilliant when riddled with banana peppers.

Can I watch someone I love slowly kill themselves?

What exactly were the "good old days"?

Why do college professors still use MLA?

Why in the hell should I ever have children?

Is this whole polygymy thing going to redefine our nation?... if so, they'll blame it on gay marriage

My mother wonders why I tip my nail guy every time? Are you kidding?

I stepped in a puddle about 3 inches deep, is this reason to curse?

Did the music and video games and things they read really make the kids shoot up the school? ... if so, in my case, all of you would be dead...

Music is my aeroplane